Cat Jokes and Cat Humor


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Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it.







A tomcat was heard running up and down the
alley for hours. A neighbor called his owner and
asked what was happening. The owner said, "Well,
I had him fixed today, and he's going around
canceling all his engagements."


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The cat who doesn't act finicky soon loses control of his owner.

~ "Morris the Cat" ~


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Genesis Reworded

On the first day of creation, God created the cat....
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat....
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as
potential food for the cat....

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor
for the good of the cat....
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might
or might not play with it....
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat
healthy and the man broke....
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....

Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen!


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Questions that people have asked on a pet food companies 800 help line


My cat just came in from the garage and I was
wondering - how many calories are there in a mouse?

I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be
before I can breed him?

How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?

My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's
stuck in the vacum cleaner. Any suggestions?

How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?

Do you know how to toilet train a cat?


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CAT e gories

CATegory - cat run over by steamroller

CAThedral - a church cat

CATaract - a cat with bad eyes

CATerpillar - a very fuzzy cat

CATalonia - a Spanish cat

CATapult - a flying cat

CATaclysm - a cat prone towards violence

CAThode - an electrically charged cat

CATholic - a religious cat

CATerwaul - a cat with a very loud cry

CATacomb - a cat that burrows underground


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"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."


"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have
never forgotten this."


"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."


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Phooey On Dogs

I think that I shall never see
A dog as he's supposed to be;
A dog who since he was a pup
Has learned when he should just shut up.

I'm tired of hearing dogs just yap
And wake me when I take a nap.
Those boisterous creatures bark and growl,
Bay at the moon and screech and howl.

They never do a lick of work,
They run around like they're berserk.
They irritate like hordes of gnats.
I wish that dogs were more like cats.

For cats are quiet, sweet, demure
And known for being clean and pure.
But dogs are different, that's the truth
And, more than that, they're just uncouth.


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Some of Kitty's Favorite Christmas Carols


--1. Up on the Mousetop
--2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
--3. Joy to the Curled
--4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
--5. The First Meow
--6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
--7. Silent Mice
--8. Fluffy, the Snowman
--9. Jingle Balls
--10. Wreck the Halls

Please don't go looking for this CD in the stores!


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Cat One Liners

What looks like half a cat?
The other half!

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot?
A carrot!

How do cats eat spaghetti?
The same as everyone else - they put it in their mouths!

What is a French cat's favourite pudding?
Chocolate mousse!

What do cat actors say on stage?
Tabby or not tabby!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
I'm paw!

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold?
He has cat-arrh!

How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
She's got that down in the mouth look!

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out a night!


What do you do with a blue Burmese?
Try and cheer it up a bit!

What is the cat's favourite TV show?
The evening mews!

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs!

How is cat food sold?
Usually purr can!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway?
Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow!

What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?
Shredded tweet!

What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have?
A catastrophe!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree?
A cat-a-logue!

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim?
An octopuss!

Why did the cat join the Red Cross?
Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit!


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Signs Your Cat Owns You


At the store, you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick
out anything for yourself.

You buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat.

The Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa's lap.

Your cat signs the card.

You accept dates only with those who have a cat.

If so, you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along.

You climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won't
disturb the sleeping cat.

You cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays.

You feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork.

You give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas.

You spend more for your cat at Christmas than you do for your spouse.

You have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator.

You have pictures of your cat in your wallet.

You bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children.

You kiss your cat on the lips?

You microwave your cat's food.

You prepare your cat's food from scratch.

You put off making the bed until the cat gets up.

You scoop out the litter box after each use,

You wait at the box with the scoop in your hand.

You select your friends based on how well your cats like them.

You sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your
cats when you move.

You think it's cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter.

You watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote.

Your cat "insists" on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an
omelette made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout.

Your cat eats out of cut crystal stemware because you both
watched the same commercial on television.

Your cat sits at the table (or ON the table) when you eat.

Your cat sleeps on your head.

You like it your cat sleeping on your head.

When people call to talk to you on the phone, you insist that they
say a few words to your cat as well,

When someone new comes to your house, you introduce your cat,
by name, to them.

You introduce your visitor (s) by name to your cat.

You stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while
your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in?

You would rather spend a night at home with your cat than go
out on a bad date?


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Alfred Says:

You know that cats are carnivores, meaning they are meat eaters.
They don't have the ability to manufacture proteins in their liver
as dogs and humans do, thus they have to get their proteins from food.

Complete proteins come from meat sources. Incomplete proteins come
from grains. Incomplete proteins do not have all the amino acids
present required to form what we call a complete protein.


Our suggestion then is to look for a kitten or cat food that has at
least 2 to 3 meat sources of proteins to every one grain source.

And to look for a food that has all natural preservatives instead of toxic
chemicals.


Our recommended dining experience for cats and kittens is:

Life's Abundance Premium Health Food For Cats



It is a 100% complete and balanced formula that is safe for your kitten,
and will supply your cat or kitten with the nutrients it needs.


     Alfred's Favorite Feline Dining Experience Here

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